There’s a few of you weirdos out there. The ones who hate cake.
Firstly, some of you are liars. You hate cake because you’ve only had crappy cake. Made out of a box, or from a bakery that uses powder. Even if the cake is made from scratch, it is ruined with buttercream frosting (the American kind, the French is much better). Would you dip a stick of butter into a bowl of powdered sugar? That’s basically what you are doing.
So for those of you, make a cake from scratch. No shortening, oil, or water. Use milk and good quality butter. No imitation vanilla flavoring. Good vanilla extract or vanilla bean. Make it yourself. Stay away from the buttercream, and you just might change your mind.
The rest you of you who genuinely do not like cake, I have a solution for you. Make this for the holidays, for a wedding, or for a birthday. It’s delicious and unique. With a cooked (Yes, cooked I say) cream cheese frosting, which renders the original cream cheese frosting recipe just another man’s buttercream. It’s that good.
I created three tiers. You can always just make one by dividing the portions by 2 1/2 or so. It would make a delicious regular batch of cinnamon rolls too. The three-tiered version is so much more stunning, though.
For the Cinnamon Roll Cake
- Slightly over 6 pounds of all-purpose flour (That’s about 21 1/4 cups)
- 2 cups of butter (Plus several sticks more for the filling)
- 6 1/4 cups of heavy cream (About over 2 pints)
- 10 eggs
- 7 1/2 packets of active dry yeast (about 17 teaspoons)
- 1 1/4 cups granulated sugar
- brown sugar
Remember, this is a cake with three tiers! Mass quantities needed.
For the Cooked Cream Cheese Frosting
- 2 cups of heavy cream
- 1 1/3 cups of sugar
- 4 tablespoons of flour
- 32 ounces (or more) of cream cheese (that’s 4 8-ounce packages)
One of the important things you will need are three springform cake pans.
You can use a set like this one (Order here). It contains a 10, 9, and 8 inch pan.
I personally feel that the standard set does not work as I like to see the top of each layer peeking out a little more. I would suggest purchasing:
- An 11 inch (See here)
- An 8 inch (See here)
-A 4 inch (See here)
You may have a little left over dough, but it will look better. That, and extra dough means placing those extra rolls on a baking sheet and baking a few for yourself. Muwahahahaha.
Begin by making the frosting. I make mine a day before making the dough.
Combine heavy cream, sugar, and flour into a pot.
Turn heat to medium, and whisk. A lot.
As it begins to thicken, keep whisking. Your arm will hurt but if you stop mixing, the cream will sit at the bottom and scald from the heat. No bueno, unless you want brown pieces.
Keep going until it becomes a thick custard.
See? Thicker than that. Drop and give me 50! Pump up those Taylor Swift arms.
Once it is as thick as you think your arm can possibly handle, remove from heat.
I have sissy arms so I end up with a few pieces of brown nastiness. Should you face the same problem, strain while still hot. Push through a strainer (Like this one) with a spatula.
This also prevents clumping. Place in fridge until totally cool throughout.
Once cool, whip softened cream cheese in a mixer.
Whip it good.
Then add in the cool cream goo. Or whatever one should call it.
You can make the dough same day, or day after.
Start by heating the milk, butter, and granulated sugar on low.
Once the butter is melted, allow to heat on medium low until you hear it is about to boil. Don’t let it boil. Stop just before when you hear the bubbling sound but cannot see those bubbles. They’re still a little shy at this point.
Remove from heat. You can use a heat thermometer to be accurate, if you like. Once the milk registers at 125 degrees but no lower than 120 degrees, add your yeast in.
Tip: If you do not have a thermometer nor want one, wait about 10 minutes. Add a tiny dash of yeast on top of the cream every 5 minutes. If it does not foam up at all after a few minutes, wait and sprinkle some more. Once it has hit that perfect temperature, it will begin to foam up.
Whisk eggs in a mixer.
Once yeast is very foamy and bubbly, add a little to eggs.
Mix. Now add some flour. Mix again. Alternate between the two until fully combined.
Add dough attachment (whisk is okay too), and knead for about 4 minutes on medium high.
Place dough in a lightly oiled bowl and cover with wrap. Store in a very warm area for at least one hour to rise.
Tip: During winter months or in a very cool home it can be very tricky to find a warm area for dough to rise. Turn your oven on the lowest setting and let it preheat for about 1 minute or so. Turn off oven and leave open for a minute or so until the air feels warm, but not hot enough to cook (80 degreesish. I invented a word.) Place dough in oven and close. Repeat if warm air escapes quickly until dough has doubled in size.
You can refrigerate dough overnight after rising, then allow to warm to room temp before rolling out. I find it sinks a little so I try to bake it fresh. An option, though.
Roll out dough. You may need to roll out sections at a time as you will have a lot of dough on your hands.
Melt a few sticks of butter on low heat. Pour and spread over dough. Now cover in cinnamon and brown sugar.
I let it sit for a few minutes for butter to cool off.
I then sliced my sections in half and rolled up tightly. Then cut into rolls tall enough for the height of the springform pans.
Before you place in pans, add a cut out circle of parchment or wax paper into bottom. Then grease bottom and sides with butter.
Yes, more butter. Nobody ever went crazy over celery.
Ok, now go. Turn over on to 315 degrees. Rando, but it works.
Bake for 50 minutes + until you can take a toothpick or skewer, poke through the center and it seems just barely no longer raw dough.
Remove from oven. Using something to protect your hands from heat, open springform and push bottom up to remove cake. Use a spatula to remove bottom of pan.
The frosting should be removed from fridge and be nice and soft again. You can either slather it all over each tier or to make it look fancy you can melt it on low heat and pour from center to each side of the roll so that it drizzles just over the sides.
Drizzle that shizzle.
Now go Pin this, crazy DIY bridezillas attempting a rustic theme wedding whose fiances hate cake. Can’t lie. I heart the rustic theme.
****If you are considering posting up photos or ideas from this or any other posts I am truly happy that you are excited and find my recipes interesting enough to share with others. Please see copyright standards in the footer (bottom) AND follow them!!!! In other words, 1 photo WITH credit+ link back, and do NOT publish instructions!